So Mother's Day has come and is almost gone again. This is my 9th year celebrating, counting the year I was pregnant with the girls. That first year was one of the most interesting and I don't think about it as often as I used to now that the girls are older. It was a really difficult memory for a logn time. I had just been told that Abby wouldn't live two more weeks in utero. I didn't feel right celebrating Mother's Day because to be honest I wasn't sure my girls were going to make it. We were also getting ready for Matt to deploy again, so there's was just so much weighing us down at that time. I was good at being strong during the day, but remember crying every night wondering if I should buy a crib or a tiny casket. I felt so alone and scared, and although I should have been celebrating the fact that I could grow twins, I couldn't get my mind passed the terrible news of how high risk my pregnancy was, and the fact that it was likely to come to an end soon.
My second Mother's Day was AMAZING!!! I got to spend it with those little babies that I was told one year earlier were going to die. I don't remember a whole lot about what we did, I just remember being thrilled. My third Mother's Day was great as I spent the day with my almost two year old twins. Getting ready for another deployment. My fourth Mother's Day was spent at the Pinehurst Resort for brunch while trying to forget the fact that Abby was scheduled for a skull reconstruction in less than a month and Matt had just returned home from Iraq. My fifth Mother's Day was spent in California wishing that Matt didn't have to work. He showed up and surprised me with a Starbucks gift card and all was right with the world. My girls played with their cousins and we enjoyed brunch in my mom's awesome back yard. Little did we know, we would be in the hospital in two weeks for Abby's 14th brain surgery. We had no idea her shunt was malfunctioning at that very moment. My sixth Mother's Day I was given breakfast in bed and then I went to watch a movie by myself. I love seeing movies alone because I can actually relax and get into the story line. I went home after the movie to find that Emma had made me a cake and decorated it with help from Matt. My seventh Mother's Day we went to my favorite beach and stayed a few nights. I found out a week later that I was pregnant with Lincoln. On my eighth Mother's Day I made breakfast for my mom, we went to Lowes about 1 million times to buy flowers for what was supposed to be our forever home, and I ended the night with a glass of moscato. Little did I know the year of sickness and scariness that was ahead.
This year, well this year I'm just thankful. I have three little miracles that drive me insane lol. I never want to be without them, yet I sometimes just need a minute alone. I know you know what I mean. We just want to pee in peace sometimes lol. This year I'm healthier than I've been in a long time, I have a very thoughtful Emma that made me breakfast in bed, Abby who sent time talking and yelling at me all day, and a little blonde man that has no time for anything but exploring and learning. My version of motherhood is not always easy, taking care of a child with special needs isn't always easy for any of us. But it's worth it, it's amazing, and there's no better job in the world. Sometimes it's back breaking work, sometimes it's heart breaking work, and all the time it's rewarding and unlike anything you can ever understand unless you live it. It makes us better mothers and better human beings. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed and tired that I could burst into tears, but then I stop and think about the fact that God chose me to be their mom and that He planned all of this chaos before I was even born. He knew every drop of sweat that would be the result of my exhausting day with three screaming kids. There's a purpose in there somewhere and it's my job to remember that all of the time.
What is beauty?
9 months ago